I find myself regressing. I have days that I am profoundly sad. I thought it was just an uphill battle. It seems to be one step up and two back. I guess everyone deals with profound grief in different ways but I am surprised to see some of my progress reverse itself.
I am following the advice given at Proverbs 18:1 "The one isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing. Against all practical wisdom, they will break forth." I find myself wanting to just quit struggling. It would so easy just to fall asleep permenanty. Of course, I have no thoughts of suicide just an emptiness that wakes me up at night sometimes. I reach over and touch Don's pillow. So many times have I done that in the past. I also reached my foot over to touch his warm flesh but, of course, that is not now an option.
I went yesterday to start the process of picking out our gravestone. I have an idea of what I would like. Hopefully, it will be ready in May or June. I thought it would give me closure but I now know that only his resurrection will give me that.
I think about his unselfishness and know that I must go on and think of others who are also hurting. A little 4 year old boy in our congregation is dying of a brain tumor that the family valiantly fought until there was no more hope. I am so glad I know why we die and the hope for the dead or I would be very, very mad at Jehovah. Truly our God of Love does not cause death but is saddened by death, the enemy of mankind. He was so sad about it that he gave us his son to undo death and restore paradise in the future. I kidded with the Grandmother of the little boy that when Don comes back he will probably have Alante by the hand guiding him back to his family. He always had a special place for the children.
For now I try to keep busy doing unselfish things. I try to give something to someone every day, even if it just a smile or a prayer. I know that, as far as widows go, Don prepared me better than most. He pre-guided me. He assured me so strongly of his love by asking EVERYONE to watch out after me. He is not an equal to Jesus but he certainly has learned from him.
Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts. I had someone ask me if I was finished writing on my Blog. I guess not, as long as I have something to contribute to others. I know many family members are suffering as I am. His love reached to many people......even me. Barb
