I find myself regressing. I have days that I am profoundly sad. I thought it was just an uphill battle. It seems to be one step up and two back. I guess everyone deals with profound grief in different ways but I am surprised to see some of my progress reverse itself.
I am following the advice given at Proverbs 18:1 "The one isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing. Against all practical wisdom, they will break forth." I find myself wanting to just quit struggling. It would so easy just to fall asleep permenanty. Of course, I have no thoughts of suicide just an emptiness that wakes me up at night sometimes. I reach over and touch Don's pillow. So many times have I done that in the past. I also reached my foot over to touch his warm flesh but, of course, that is not now an option.
I went yesterday to start the process of picking out our gravestone. I have an idea of what I would like. Hopefully, it will be ready in May or June. I thought it would give me closure but I now know that only his resurrection will give me that.
I think about his unselfishness and know that I must go on and think of others who are also hurting. A little 4 year old boy in our congregation is dying of a brain tumor that the family valiantly fought until there was no more hope. I am so glad I know why we die and the hope for the dead or I would be very, very mad at Jehovah. Truly our God of Love does not cause death but is saddened by death, the enemy of mankind. He was so sad about it that he gave us his son to undo death and restore paradise in the future. I kidded with the Grandmother of the little boy that when Don comes back he will probably have Alante by the hand guiding him back to his family. He always had a special place for the children.
For now I try to keep busy doing unselfish things. I try to give something to someone every day, even if it just a smile or a prayer. I know that, as far as widows go, Don prepared me better than most. He pre-guided me. He assured me so strongly of his love by asking EVERYONE to watch out after me. He is not an equal to Jesus but he certainly has learned from him.
Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts. I had someone ask me if I was finished writing on my Blog. I guess not, as long as I have something to contribute to others. I know many family members are suffering as I am. His love reached to many people......even me. Barb
Dear Sister Baty: Life is always like that in every case, I think. We make a little progress and we slip backward and have to start forward again. But the good thing is that with Jehovah's help we won't slip farther than He can reach us! It's important to balance yourself between needed rest and private time, (even Jesus took some of that) and isolation. There is a big difference. You do need some private time to weep and even to give in to a little pity for yourself, but just remember to pick yourself up after a bit and push on. As a suggestion: When you feel you can't go on, that the grief is too strong, let someone know that you are just going to take an hour, an afternoon or a day and curl up in sadness. Ask them to give you a call or stop by when the time limit you set has passed to make sure you will keep on plugging along. That way you'll know you can't hide away forever. You know there are so many who care for you and any of us will be ready to help. You are doing a wonderful job and Br. Baty will be glowing with pride when he gets the report of how well you carried on! All of our love,
ReplyDeleteAmy and the family
hi friend.... we had such a great time with you in service on wed. anna went on & on about how encouraging it was. i see a glow in you when we are in the ministry that i dont see on your face anywhere else. it true joy. something no one and nothing can give us, except jehovah. it reminded me that when we try to do what we think is best for ourseves, we never come close to the happiness that jehovah can give us when we listen to him and follow his direction. i'm not sure exactly how many people have had the honor to see you that kind of happy on you, but i sure am glad i have.... love you!!!!!!! jen :)
ReplyDeleteBarb, one thing that got me through my Dad's death, was thinking "what would he want me to do now?" I concluded he would want me to grieve for a short while, but then to carry on serving Jehovah the best I could, with my family. Knowing he has "run his course," and now it's up to us to do the same is a sobering thought. His faithfulness, the same as Don's, assures them of a resurrection. How about me? THAT'S what he would want me to do. I want to do my best to be there to welcome them ALL back! So, allow yourself to grieve, but then carry on my dear Sister Baty.
ReplyDeleteYou never stop missing them, but you eventually get used to the idea that they are not there, FOR NOW.
We have Bro, Carroll this week, and one of the things he said made an impression on me. He said "we only have 70 or 80 years, maybe more or maybe less, but the question is how will we spend it?" How will we live our lives, or whatever time we have left. There are no guarantees in life. So,I ask myself, how am I living my life, from day to day....
We love you Barb. Hang in there!
Ron & Carol
Well I'm coming up on my 28th Birthday and it will be my first birthday since Papa died....I'm so sad......especially losing my other grandpa on Mar 16th.......I am going to the memorial tomorrow and will thoroughly be thinking of papa and jeda...I miss them both so terribly and will be so happy when I get to see them again =(
ReplyDeleteLove Always,
Papa's Sweetheart